Monday, June 2, 2008

OK, I guess I'll Run For President

So, my main complaint about politicians is that they invariably have some miserable skeletons in their closets if they've achieved the kind of success necessary to run for the highest office in the land.
I've threatened to do this for years now, and it's clearly time to either dive in or take off my suit. Nobody wants me to take off my suit, so I'm diving in.
I believe it's completely unproductive to claim any kind of affiliation (like Republican or Democrat or Libertarian or Independent) and am therefore going to run, most specifically, without affiliation.
I'm banking on a fresh and clever platform to grab the attention of big time sponsors (like Tang and Oreos) to help me sell my new and much greatly improved political ambition to the largely uninformed and scary-simple masses.
I know I will probably have to acquiesce to some of the conventions that Americans embrace when being aggressively marketed to, and to that end I will recruit Sponge Bob or Flavor Flav to speak favorably about me in strategically placed medias and I vow to post hundreds of thousands of promo stickers above urinals and in bathroom stalls in all the bars from coast to coast.
My platform will consist of just a couple important elements.
1. In order to procreate (make new babies) all persons involved will have to pass a series of intelligence and personality tests. Failure to comply will result in mandatory sterilization. Failure to pass said tests will result in one of several different consequences that I will develop with my crack team of cabinet members.
2. All methamphetamine production will completely disappear and meth addicts (who make up, like, 70 percent of all incarcerated humans here in America) will have some sort of meaningful rehabilitation and be returned to society as useful and productive members of our culture.
So, there's my top two reasons for tonight.
One last thing: Respect. Just like Aretha said... Show it to me show it to me show it to me. Respect your families, respect your mad-expensive "stuff" that you can't stop acquiring... Respect the fact that everybody you do meet, for real, is fighting some kind of battle. We just need to see, feel, teach and be: Respect.